Estrangements

Altruism as an antidote to what ails us: Cami Walker's solution

Outside of what I wrote in my Guidelines for how to cope with being estranged I don't have any great answers on what to do about estrangements. But sometimes I see something written that rings a bell for me about things that have helped me. I saw an article like that the other day in the New York Times online.

Something that has helped me is to get involved in helping other people. In fact I do that a lot. Sometimes I do it so much that I don't have time to get other things done. So be warned! But it is a great way to get your brain going in a different direction and removing all the worries and preoccupations about things you can do nothing about. Also, you will make new friends and develop a whole new set of things to do that you never thought of doing before!

The article that I found was along the lines of curing what ails you by taking your viewpoint off of yourself and directing it outward towards the world. The article is about what one woman did and learned after she was told that she had multiple sclerosis. I think that the words "multiple sclerosis" would be mighty scary words to hear!

This is what Cami Walker did: In Month of Giving, a Healthy Reward by Tara Parker-Pope, Nov. 30, 2009.

That link is my gift to you today. Use it well!

Wishing everyone a peaceful holiday season,

Ginny

Q&A on Writing and Coping with Estrangement & the Holidays

A reader asked me a question recently. She asked if I had any tips for dealing with the holidays. Another reader asked if I had stopped writing on my blog. I've been thinking about the answers to both of these questions.

Triple Crown Winner: A Horse Named Addiction

This is the second attempt to write about my father for this Father's Day post. I thought of writing about how imperfect he was and how I had not estranged him. I started to write and talk about the negative things. I wrote two paragraphs and had to stop and delete them. I couldn't do it.

Father's Day and Estrangement: a keyword search on June 1 '08

1. Monday, June 18, 2007: She She on Father's Day Quote from She She: "There are no black hats. There are no white hats. There is only gray, and it’s the most beautiful of colors."
2. Tuesday, May 6, 2008: Word Count II: Dear Monty Quote: "At this time, I am thinking of just sending a Father's Day card with my name on it. That is all I can bear right now."
3. Tuesday, May 20, 2008: Passiam's Lodge: Control is an Illlusion. Quote: " If you read my Tweet, it talks about my mother wanting to bring my estranged and financially-challenged biological father . . . "
4. Wednesday, May 14, 2008 McCall's Manic Merry-Go-Round: Mother's Day Schmothers Day Quote: "Next celebration to consider -- well other than some conspicuous birthdays -- is Father's Day, which is when I give John his props for dealing with all, and resolving most, of the "Daddy Issues" I carry around."
5. Monday, May 12, 2008 Crossing Channels: The Commodification of Feelings. Quote: "This epidemic has been caused by a consumer culture that preys on the minds of gullible individuals and turns them into consumers hungry for love."
6. Wednesday, May 7, 2008: Dating Trials and Tribulations: Un-official dating holiday. Quote: "Why is it that the week before Mother's Day or Father's Day considered to be a dating "National Holiday", comparable to the Fourth of July, Thanksgiving or Christmas???"

Happy New Year!

Wishing all of my visitors a Happy New Year!
I hope 2008 is a great year for you, that it brings you realization to your dreams, love, friends, happiness, and joy.

Ginny
PS. I've been working too hard recently to find time to think about what to write on family estrangement here. I do think about my family estrangements a lot but I haven't had the luxury of time to think of new topics to write on and then sit down and write them. My apologies to those who bookmark this site for something new. If you look through the archives. I may have covered something in the past that you would find interesting.

At a loss for words except for these . . .

Wishing all my visitors a Merry Christmas! Hoping that you find moments of joy, peace, love, and happiness Christmas day and every day!

Ginny

My annual Christmas wish to you

I wrote the following as part of a longer post on Estrangements.com  Christmas Day 2004  and have posted it again the last two years. This has become my annual Christmas wish to all my visitors, estrangees and estrangers.

Originally written December 25, 2004

About Christmas .... it seems almost inappropriate to wish those who come here looking for answers a Merry Christmas. If you have come here to find a way to resolve an estrangement and you're miserable over being estranged, then the last thing I'd think you'd want to hear is a greeting of Merry Christmas when you are feeling the least merry that you've ever felt. Christmas may have been torture. The entire season may have been just one hell of a day after another. Been there, done that too. A good grim "bah humbug" might be something you'd rather hear.

So ... rather than wish you a Merry Christmas ... I will offer you a Get Well card. I hope that you do Get Well and someday find yourself able to enjoy the greeting of Merry Christmas again. I wish you the ability to smile. to get up in the morning with no tears, the freedom to spend most of a day thinking of whatever you'd like to think about rather than this misery of being estranged, the joy of being able to appreciate the sun, good friends, the fact that you're alive. I wish you the miracle of waking some day and later thinking with surprise about how you didn't wake up thinking about your estrangement and you can't remember how long it has been since you thought about being estranged. I wish you relief from your pain, healing from your loss, and the ability to feel joy once again.

No, I don't have the answer that you may have come here to find but I promise you that there is healing whether you find the answer or not. Eventually. It takes time. Have faith and hang in there!

Snicks

My wishes to you for the holidays.

Father's Day & Estrangement III

• Happy Father's Day by happyluau, June 17, 2007
• Fathers on Cedar Chest of Dreams, June 17, 2007
• Lost Relationship and Father's Day, June 16, 2007 on Los Angeles Times Pressmens 20 Year Club

 

Father's Day & Estrangement II

1. On FayObserver.com (The Fayetteville Observer), May 17, 2007: Celebrate Parents' Day by Steven R. Edelman
2. Written by a father for his son, Shane,  from whom he had been estranged for a time. Posted on June 18, 1995: Father's Day
3. In the archive of This American Life, Chicago Public Radio: 26: Father's Day '96. Available for download.
4. On StarPulse.com, May 7, 2007: Adam Grenier makes a movie about search for dad
5. A post on A Feast of Crumbs: Saturday Night Surprise, October 16, 2006
6. A post from The Word of Todd, A Non-Prophet Prophet: It Gets to Me Every Single Time, August 5, 2006

Father's Day & Estrangement

1. On AskMetafilter: How to be kind but firm with an estranged parent who wants more than I am willing to give, March 15, 2007
2. On top40: The Story Behind "Confessions of a Broken Heart (Daughter to Father)"
3. Go On, Make Peace with Dad by Will Kern. Originally published on June 17, 2001.
4. On FindArticles.com: Healing Father-Son Relationship by Adeyemi Bandele, June 1999
5. On blogcritics.org: How do the fatherless celebrate Father's Day, by Cherryl Aldave, June 19, 2005

And one more on Mother's Day

There's a year till the next one but before I started looking for Father's Day posts, I looked one more time for posts on Mother's Day and found this thread:
On SoberRecovery.com, a post and responses: Mother's Day

Mother's Day Post Secrets: May 13 to 20

Postsecret
(Mother's Day Postsecrets will be up till the next week of secrets are posted on Sunday, May 20.)

Even more on Mother's Day

Only Human: A real son's tribute to real moms, by Michael Riley, May 11, 2007 on Asbury Park Press

More on Mother's Day & Estrangement

1. Finding Mom's Right Gift by Elizabeth Lardie, May 8, 2007, The Times Record online
2. Mars Needs Moms on Jim Hill Media. Only remotely connected to estrangement but funny nugget of mother-related stuff.
3. CamelsbackandForth: Early Late Stories, May 10, 2007
4. InsideToronto.com - On The Guardian: Mother's Day Coping Tips for the Bereaved, May 10, 2007
5. On ehow.com: How to Mend Fences with Mom on Mother's Day
6. On kcbx.net: History of Mother's Day - ". . . to obliterate family estrangement . . . "

Mother's Day & Estrangement

1. On ChristianityToday: When Mother's Day Is Hard - Taking solace in Scripture's difficult and unsentimental image of motherhood. By Jenell Williams Paris, May 1, 2004
2. How do you handle Mother's day if you're estranged? On Yahoo Answers, April 2007
3. Time's Fool: Mother's Day: Not Everyone Celebrates, May 4, 2007
4. On Salon.com:   The other woman - When my mom split up with my not-mom, Mother's Day lost its charm.By Molly Hennessy-Fiske, May 10, 2001
5. Honoring those who have mothered us  Barbara Child, March 5, 2007
6. Life Without Borders: Mother's Day, May 14, 2006
7. The Occasional Editorialist: Rewarding Family for Their Quirks, March 28, 2007
8. "Mother's Day", a Meditation by Lianne Olive Hennig
9. On iVillage, Garden Web: Estrangement from Adult Child, July 25, 2006 to April 20,2007 (or possibly more recent date)
10. Love and Support Needed, May 9, 2005
11. Allied: I am a mother, May 9, 2005

Easter Sunday Mourning

When I don't know what to say, I find things that other people have said that make sense to me. Here is what someone else has to say about "Closing the door on the past".

Ginny

On this January 1, 2007 I wish you . . .

A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Ginny's Christmas Wish for You

I wrote the following two years ago in a longer post on Christmas Day 2004 . I posted it last year on the Estrangements blog. I can't improve on it. So here it is once more:

Father's Day Postsecrets end June 25, 2006

Postsecrets

If there is an eternal race track in the sky, I wish ...

June 15, 2006: Mentions of fathers & estrangements in blogs

In honor of the upcoming Father's Day and in keeping with the theme of this blog and the estrangements.com website, here are links to recent mentions of fathers and estrangements in blogs:

1. Father's Day Irony

2. Three Poems For My Father

3. 00053
4. ARRRRGH I HATE FATHERS!!!
5. Gay son's betrayal tale

6. Looking for a father’s love

7. I could hold back the tide with my dad by my side ...

8. Bitterness is a poison we drink hoping that some one else will die.

Postsecret's Mothers' Day/Week Secrets

If you've never visited Postsecret, it is a blog which posts the secrets sent in on homemade postcards online every Sunday. There is also a book of Postsecrets and there have been a few art exhibits of some of the cards. This week's offering of cards on Postsecrets is on the theme of motherhood. Some are VERY sad, some lovely, some painful. If you want to see the Mothers' Day offering, visit the site before Sunday, May 21, because then it will change and the postsecrets on mothers will be replaced by another group of postsecrets.

Ginny

Mother's Day - Thoughts & Feelings

I feel like the thousand pound gorilla is in the room. The gorilla called "Mother's Day"!

Twelve years ago my thoughts on Mother's Day were along the lines of not wanting to make the day be all about me or to make Robin or anyone feel obligated to make the day a big one or make Robin or anyone feel guilt or anything negative about that day. Prior to her father and I separating in 1984 Mother's Day was usually about my MIL who expected to be taken out to dinner. No one questioned that. It was just done. I would buy my mother a present and make time to see her or at least call.

My wish for you for 2006:

May your estrangements be few and short,
May your friendships be deep and longlasting,
And the estrangements that you have ...
      may they bring you more peace than pain.

Happy New Year!
from Ginny