Estrangements

A small piece of the past revisited

It's been a long time since I wrote a post that talked about estrangement. It is almost a year since the dialogue begun on May 12, 2008 that I had with my estranged daughter in the comment section of a post on here. One point of contention for her was whether I would mention certain things or not in my blog. I would not agree to what she wanted from me but I knew it was a sensitive point so in my own heart and mind I had decided not to write about those issues unless I had a good reason to do so. Since May of 2008 I have not mentioned those issues here.

Estranged Stories ~ a new support group on Ning.

There is a new online site for sharing stories of family estrangement. It is a Ning group. The link to it is here:
Estranged Stories

Q&A on Writing and Coping with Estrangement & the Holidays

A reader asked me a question recently. She asked if I had any tips for dealing with the holidays. Another reader asked if I had stopped writing on my blog. I've been thinking about the answers to both of these questions.

What can you change?

You cannot change the cards you are dealt. Just how you play the hand.
                                                     Randy Pausch 1961- July 25, 2008

Randy Pausch - Life Teacher

Proof that you are not alone. Part II

On October 7, 2007 I wrote a post titled "Proof that you are not alone" and then provided data about visitors to my website, Estrangements.com, and the Estrangements blog. Let's see what has been going on since then.

Triple Crown Winner: A Horse Named Addiction

This is the second attempt to write about my father for this Father's Day post. I thought of writing about how imperfect he was and how I had not estranged him. I started to write and talk about the negative things. I wrote two paragraphs and had to stop and delete them. I couldn't do it.

Interviewees needed for a video project.

Recently I became acquainted with a woman who planning to do a video project on family estrangement. She has experience in film projects and  knows what is involved in creating such a project. She also has personal experience with family estrangement. I agree with her that family estrangement is a subject that is deserving of attention. In support of her project I am including a message from her to the visitors to my blog. This message is from her to you.

Support Groups: Part III: Creating your own online group.

If you can't find a support group that meets your needs and in which you feel safe, you can create an online discussion group. You can create such a group with the tools provided online by a number of companies that provide online services. Companies such as Yahoo!, Typepad, Google (Blogger), Wordpress and others.

Support Groups: Part II (Online Support Groups)

Some online discussion groups have been offered on sites set up by the authors of books on the subject. Some online groups are public and anyone can read and write on the site. Others require people to become members using an email address or user name and a password but letting almost anyone join. Occasionally such groups may block a person who violates the moderator's rules of conduct but it is easy for someone to make up another user name, get another email address, and join again.

Support Groups for those coping with a family estrangement. Part I

A mother in pain over not having had any contact with her recently estranged son joined an online support group. She talked about her feelings and how grateful she was to find the group and how rare it is for a grown child to estrange themselves from their parents. I tried to say that I thought that the situation wasn't rare but she would have none of that. She insisted that it was rare. As I thought about it more, I realized that she is right. Relatively speaking, it is rare. Not unheard of certainly but if you ask one hundred parents with grown kids if this has happened to them, you will find few, if any, who will say yes. Not that I have tried this. I haven't.

Morning Meditation in Panera Bread

I took myself out to Panera Bread this morning for a soufflé. I like their charming little soufflés with the browned top and the creamy inside, hot and a bit richer than what I should eat but oh so delicious! I needed a treat. Their coffee is passable but too acidic for my taste. I drank it anyway. Must have coffee!

When I left the house this morning, the first thing I heard was the beautiful full throated song of a bird. It was a gorgeous day. The sun was shining. The grass and the leaves were a brilliant green. I felt happy to be alive and out in the air, away from my computer and far away from someone who doesn't like me.

The interaction last week with my daughter was exhausting. Who knows what, if anything, was accomplished for her by the experience. That is a rhetorical question and I don't need an answer. For me, I feel as though I have a crystal clear idea of her viewpoints on me. Which isn't the same thing as saying that I have the same viewpoints. I am a different person and we have different viewpoints. I have agreed that those are her viewpoints and have said that I will not try to talk her out of them. Nor will I attempt to continue to discuss those things with her on my blog.

Moving on. Detaching. Letting go. Damn the Torpedos!

"Damn the torpedos! Full speed ahead!"

I like to choose the right words when I am writing. If the words are not the right ones, then the message that I want to communicate isn't clear or is inaccurate. In my previous post I said that I would write next about "moving on." As I thought about the words "moving on" and as I began attempting to write this post, I realized that I know more about detaching than I do about moving on. In fact as a parent I don't want to "move on."

When someone you care about thinks you suck.

Since 2006 my daughter has had a blog called my-family-sucks. I have not been reading her blog because I know that she uses it to denigrate me and others who have loved her.

Q&A: Tips for handling Mother's Day while being estranged?

This morning I received an email from a woman who is a mother and who has been estranged by her grown children several times over 15 years. After describing the basics of the estrangement she said, "I need to move on with my life - any tips - and any help for handling Mothers Day?"

Tips for handling Mother's Day!? Her question inspired today's post.

Alice Walker & Rebecca Walker

"She writes that she has been my mother for thirty years and is no longer interested in the job."
Rebecca Walker in 2007 about her mother Alice Walker, author of The Color Purple

The day has arrived when I have to force myself . . .

I am making myself write in this blog today. I have no inspiration to write. Nothing that I feel is helpful to share. I have no new topic. I believe I am at or very near the point where I have nothing left to write about my own estrangement or other estrangements. I may finally be at that point.

My priorities currently are making a living and getting things done. There are only 24 hours in a day and there is a lot to do. Writing about estrangements now feels like an indulgence that I can't afford and doesn't interest me as much as it did. This must be what is called "moving on."

I might still find some things to share on the topic in the future but I don't think it will be for a while.

Ginny

At a loss for words except for these . . .

Wishing all my visitors a Merry Christmas! Hoping that you find moments of joy, peace, love, and happiness Christmas day and every day!

Ginny

My annual Christmas wish to you

I wrote the following as part of a longer post on Estrangements.com  Christmas Day 2004  and have posted it again the last two years. This has become my annual Christmas wish to all my visitors, estrangees and estrangers.

Originally written December 25, 2004

About Christmas .... it seems almost inappropriate to wish those who come here looking for answers a Merry Christmas. If you have come here to find a way to resolve an estrangement and you're miserable over being estranged, then the last thing I'd think you'd want to hear is a greeting of Merry Christmas when you are feeling the least merry that you've ever felt. Christmas may have been torture. The entire season may have been just one hell of a day after another. Been there, done that too. A good grim "bah humbug" might be something you'd rather hear.

So ... rather than wish you a Merry Christmas ... I will offer you a Get Well card. I hope that you do Get Well and someday find yourself able to enjoy the greeting of Merry Christmas again. I wish you the ability to smile. to get up in the morning with no tears, the freedom to spend most of a day thinking of whatever you'd like to think about rather than this misery of being estranged, the joy of being able to appreciate the sun, good friends, the fact that you're alive. I wish you the miracle of waking some day and later thinking with surprise about how you didn't wake up thinking about your estrangement and you can't remember how long it has been since you thought about being estranged. I wish you relief from your pain, healing from your loss, and the ability to feel joy once again.

No, I don't have the answer that you may have come here to find but I promise you that there is healing whether you find the answer or not. Eventually. It takes time. Have faith and hang in there!

Snicks

Reconciliation: An opportunity to be surprised and impressed.

In recent months several friends and acquaintances have been reporting either reconciliations or communications from relatives that may lead to a full reconciliation. I have been delighted for them. Some have reconciled even though they had been assaulted physically by the relative who estranged them. Some had experienced verbal abuse. In each case they were delighted to hear from their returning relatives.

Good morning and . . .

Happy Thanksgiving!
And a special Happy Thanksgiving to my most frequent visitor!
Wishing you a great day!

"On Depression." Or "don't sweat the small stuff."

I know an eighty-something woman who is one of the most delightful people I have ever met. She is funny, witty, smart, well traveled, generous, hardworking, and charming. I want to be her when I grow up! I love this woman.

Invitations to support group have been sent.

A private invitation only support group has been set up and invitations sent to those who inquired. Please check your email for the notice that your invitation will be arriving and for the invitation itself. Just in case you have a zealous spam filter.

Ginny

Revisiting ~ When do we stop talking and get on with our lives?

Being someone who suffers from clinical depression on occasion, I find that dwelling on sad subjects triggers my depression. Thus spending a lot of time writing about and talking about sad memories is a dangerously self indulgent exercise for me to do.

Holidays & Estrangement ~ Why I am estranged from my mother.

Here come the holidays, heading straight for us as sure as sure can be. This time of year is a hard one for many, especially those of us who know that our holidays are far from the ideal of the delightful sleigh ride in the snow, jingle bells jingling as we travel to grandmother's house bearing brightly wrapped gifts with love, laughter and warmth like a wool blanket protecting us from the frigid breath of winter. So here we are, holidays approaching like a train with us on the train tracks once again, hoping for the best.

A reminiscence on mental illness in the family and on having had my mother as a mother.

I wrote this piece to offer on another site which was soliciting writing on the topic of mothers and how they shaped our lives. How do we celebrate our mothers? I wrote this piece I offer below and then realized that it wasn't the right kind of response to that solicitation as well as being too long.  I can't call it a celebration. I wrote some more and decided to include it here. Here is my story of my mother and what I remember that was positive and some that is negative about her being my mother: