Good Morning, World! Gratitude and Rejection

WHAT A CLOWN!!

About subjects of posts and sociopaths, NPD and that wedding ...

It has been alleged by Robin that I visit her website every day.

No. I visit it on occasion. Sometimes months go by without my visiting it. Robin is a Drama Queen. She calls this "stalking". Puhleeze!!!

She has suggested that the fact that I talk about murders of families might mean that I would hurt her.

No. That is absurd. I talk about murders of families for two reasons. One is that I am always fascinated by the contrast between the private person and the public person. Between how some people seem so very normal and then they go and do something so contrary to everyone's expectations of them.

My interest in these persons has nothing whatever to do with Robin other than that she has estranged herself from me and that was quite contrary to anything I had ever expected from her. But other than that, no, it has nothing to do with my own family. The other reason is that I am fascinated with mysteries that involve crimes. This also has nothing whatever to do with Robin. Not everything is about her. I, along with a zillion other people, enjoy trying to figure out why or who did this or that evil deed. Here is the link for my favorite blog about missing persons and crimes. It is called The Dark Side. (Note: The Dark Side no longer exists but the blogger who had had the Dark Side has a new blog on crime: crimeblog.us.) 

However, speaking of murder, Robin stated that her father warned her not to put Robert as a beneficiary on an insurance policy as he might murder her to get the money. This is interesting because when I was leaving her father, he wanted me to get a life insurance policy and name him as beneficiary! Since I hadn't fallen off a turnip truck that day, I did not take out the insurance policy and did see the implications behind why he might want me to get one. Long before Robert was even in the picture, my ex had thought of that idea all on his own. Interesting that he would tell Robin to watch out for that.

Robin called her father a sociopath and a narcissist. I never considered him a sociopath as he does have feelings. He just doesn't express them or maybe even feel them right away. He might talk about a feeling months after the event that caused it. Or that is how it seemed. I never saw him do things that seemed like a sociopath other than ask me to buy an insurance policy when I was leaving him. That MIGHT be sociopathic. He did tell me that he was having fantasies of murdering me but then we were divorcing and people can get some pretty wild ideas in the middle of a divorce. I don't think it makes him sociopathic. Not that I usually defend him.

As far as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. they always say that a professional has to diagnose it. But some people just seem to fit all the criteria. I have wondered about that in my ex but didn't really think it was so. Image is important to him and it sounds as though it is important to his second wife. But whether it rises to the level of Narcissistic Personality Disorder for my ex, I don't know. I have read a number of good books on NPD because we have some friends who seem to have all the criteria for NPD and they are much more narcissistic than my ex seemed.

When I left my ex, I learned how much I didn't know. I had been married to him for 18 years but then felt as though I didn't know him at all.

I made a mistake in allowing Robin to live in the house after I left. She witnessed his grief and pain over the separation and divorce. She never witnessed mine. I never allowed her to see me cry. She has no way of knowing how much I cried or how much pain I was in. She has no way of knowing that I am vulnerable and that I hurt. She has never seen me show much weakness. This was a mistake on my part, to let her stay there. I think she might have felt that I was abandoning her, especially when my tiny apartment didn't have room for her. I was freaked out at the time that I would not be able to support myself and took the smallest cheapest apartment I could find and it didn't have a separate room for her. When she visited there and didn't see another room, I cringed and felt guilty that I might have hurt her. It was NEVER my intention and my only reason for taking that apartment was my fear of not being able to make the payments on a better one. I knew that I would get no money from Tony.

She has never experienced a divorce and I hope she never will. Since she has a strong bond with Robert, they may always be together. However, if she had experienced what it is like to leave or be left, and not just witnessed it as a daughter, she might have more empathy for why people talk and act the way that they do when they divorce. Why they do stupid things. I did plenty of stupid things, including being a jerk about the Mercedes that we drove to her wedding 6 years later. Yes, I was a jerk about the Mercedes.

I knew my ex adored cars. I was never that into cars but due to a story that is too long and uninteresting my second husband and I ended up with this Mercedes and I wanted to shove that Mercedes right up Tony's nose because he had been such a pain in the butt by not talking to me and not trying to be friends. So I was a jerk. So bite me! I am not the first woman to act like a jerk after a divorce and I won't be the last. My ex acted like a jerk and I acted like a jerk. We are human and sometimes we're stupid. If someone could walk in my shoes at that time, they might have driven the Mercedes right across my ex's lawn! It wasn't the worst thing I've done and it is a pretty minor thing. I'm sure it was irritating. I recall that it was my sister-in-law that I dragged outside to show off the Mercedes. Yes, a jerky thing to do! Some would call this human but then others would call it mental illness. I wonder if they institutionalize many people for being jerks towards their ex-spouses?

When someone acts like a jerk, as I had, it might make sense to let them know, kindly, that they are acting like a jerk. It doesn't take much to clue me in. I know when I've been a jerk and it is embarrassing to think back on. I can't imagine that Robin has been so perfect in her life that she has never done a jerky thing. In fact she has told me about some pretty jerky things that she has done that were downright alarming!

(Note added Nov. 5: When I used the words, "Bite me!" above and when I said in another post that "Shit happens." my daughter reacted by stating that she wouldn't accept an apology that had those words in it. Well, that's fine. In the unlikely event that I ever even speak to her again, I will remember that. But in the context of what I was saying above in this post and in the other post, I was not making an apology. I was describing what happened and why. I was admitting that of course I make mistakes and act like a jerk as we all do. My daughter has taken this information and used it to attack me further rather than accepting my admitting my human foibles.)

So anyway, some people reconcile when they realize that what their estranged person has done is something that they can eventually understand and empathize with. For some people it's when they have kids that they realize that their parents aren't so bad. For others it is when they get a divorce and things get crazy and then they realize that their mother or father had a reason to behave as they had. They learn empathy. They forgive and put things in a proper scale.

Jennifer Aniston recently reconciled with her mother after a 9 year estrangement. Jennifer was divorcing Brad Pitt and learned in the process that maybe her mother wasn't such a bad person.

Online article:  Jennifer Aniston Makes Peace with her Mother, October 2005

I can't and wouldn't recommend divorce for Robin just so that she could learn some empathy and I can't and wouldn't recommend children. I can't recommend anything as she seems to think she knows it all and that is the end of the story. All I can do is hope that life eventually teaches her that her mom is a lot more normal than she thinks and that we have a lot of life left that could be lived with each other in it doing some things together.

I've had life sober me up plenty along the way. Most people do grow as they get older. I know I have.

I do wish the best for Robin. I am happy for her that she is moving to that beautiful house. It looks lovely and is in a great location. And I am happy that she has found a career she likes. I am happy that her and Robert are so happy in their marriage. That is great news, all of it. The only irony is that I am happy too and would like to be able to share our happiness together. But for some reason she is convinced that I am a miserable mean and ugly person who wishes her nothing but bad stuff. There are times I've been angry and exasperated with her but for good reason. It isn't easy being estranged, especially if you care about the person who has estranged you. There are days that you are very angry and there are days you have all kinds of feelings. But the anger isn't there to be mean. It is there because you miss the person and want things to be different.

Okay, enough of this ramble. Night all,
Snicks

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