The dream I had last night ...

Art, Websites, Criticism, Unsolicited Advice, Decisions

Open letter to some unknown person out there on the internet

Hello Out There On The Internet,

Somewhere out there you exist. I don't know who you are. I only know that you emailed my ex-daughter to let her know about You, of course, know who you are.

I have wondered about your motivations and whether I know you and you know me. Or maybe you are talented at figuring out who people are on the internet. I have wondered if you had good intentions or malevolent ones. You must have thought that you were doing the right thing. I believe you did this very recently.

There were less than a handful of people that I ever gave sufficient information to that would have enabled them to email my ex-daughter. But some people do have good detective skills so it might not have been anyone of those few people. I have asked two and they have assured me that they didn't do this and that they don't think that anyone who was my friend would have done this.

I have mixed feelings about what you've done. Certainly, if I know you, I wouldn't consider you to be a trustworthy friend. So if I found out who you are, I would never trust you again. I hope you aren't someone whom I know.

Among those mixed feelings happiness doesn't exist. I don't feel happy about it. I do feel some relief in that this has happened. I knew there was this risk, that my ex-daughter would find out about the website but I didn't know when. I feel some relief that I now know exactly how she has felt about me for a long time. Those feelings explain a lot. If we had reconciled before she found out, I would have had to tell her or would have had to change the site radically. But most likely I would have had to be honest and tell her. If she had found out later I would have expected her to be much more upset than finding out while we are estranged.

Last week my ex-daughter had a major blow-up with her stepmother and then her father and put a description of what had happened on her website. She decided to estrange them both. Then she went to or was told about and found my blog about estrangements and my reaction to her new estrangements. You had told her about the website either prior to her blowup with her stepmother or shortly after. She went to a discussion board that I provide links to on I had belonged to that group almost since its inception. She searched through the posts back through 2004 and found all of my posts. Then she posted on the board, first about her stepmother and father, and then about me.

One of the members there who remembered me sent me an email to let me know what was happening. Initially I thought that her posts about me on the board were an opportunity to communicate with her. I felt excited and responded to all of her posts that were about me. In fact I thought that she must have been there in order to communicate with me because why would anyone who is estranged post on a board on which the person from whom they are estranged is already a member? I told her that I loved her. I thought that I could clear up old misinterpretations and miscommunications. I failed at accomplishing this.

She did not respond to my posts there as of a few days ago. Others there who hadn't seen me before, thought that I had tracked my ex-daughter down and had joined the board because she was on there. They were horrified, assuming that I had come in for the first time to post.

I did receive another email from my ex-daughter on October 31 in which she said in exactly these words (including typo): "I don't want your "love". I certaintly don't love you (my version) or care about you in any way. In another paragraph she said, " There is nothing that I miss about you, or want to know about you, or have found endearing about you. There is nothing I want to share with you ..." She is in actuality my Ex-Daughter. In other emails to me and about me, she has told me that I am essentially worthless as far as she is concerned. She has said that she never will end our estrangement. This seems to me to be a kind of divorce from her that began in 1995. I have an ex-husband and an ex-daughter. I think I can assume that she is very happy to be my ex-daughter, considerably happier than if she considered herself to be my daughter.

This was good for me to learn although it is hard to find words to thank you, oh Internet Anonymous Somebody. Intellectually I should feel thankful for knowing the absolute truth. I have mixed emotions.

I also read what she then wrote on her website about me. The bottom line was a reinforcement of what she said that I quoted above. She contradicted other things that she has said in the past. An example is that in the past she accused me of not wanting to spend time with her. My assumption from that accusation is that she wanted me to spend more time with her. I have told her that her idea that I didn't want to spend time with her wasn't true. In 1995 when she accused me of that, I asked to spend time with her, an invitation that was rejected then and later. On her website, she described exactly how she did not want to spend time with me, does not want to spend time with me, had not liked spending time with me, and will not ever want to spend time with me. Oh, Projection, I think I have found your Poster Woman! Anyway, the "how my mother never wants to spend time with me" is a prime example of Ex-Daughter Logic.

While I did make a number of the posts about the events of this past week private due to their not contributing much to the content of my blog and involving others who don't need to be involved, I am writing this post to you in case you don't know what happened. I am really curious what you were hoping to accomplish. Maybe your intentions were good?

Over the course of my life I have known things about other people that they didn't know about other people in their life. I chose not to let anyone in on the secrets, choosing to let life take its course and let the chips fall where they may. People find out what they need to know eventually on their own. That's been my choice and I think it's a good one. I am going to continue to do that. Other people make other choices, as you have. Last night on The Apprentice, Donald Trump said about how some people are homosexuals, "That is why there are menus. We all make different choices." That quote might not be word for word but it is close enough. So you made your choice and I will continue to make mine.

I wonder who you are.

Oh, and about my ex-daughter's estrangement from her father and stepmother. It appears that she is going to reconcile with her father and will remain estranged from her stepmother.



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