OR Why We Can Be Thankful For An Estrangement
This coming Thursday is Thanksgiving Day. This will be the first Thanksgiving since 1995 that I can say that I am thankful for the estrangements in my life as well as for so many other things of a more traditional nature like health, friends, a loving husband and a roof over my head.
Reading the list below of the
Princess and the Pea's Fifteen Rules of Conduct makes me realize once again how foolish I have been to be missing the Princess for all of these years when I might have felt thankfulness instead. Lately I have been angry at myself for missing the Princess after learning that she does not love me or care about me and hasn't for many years.
I had thought there might be another explanation for our estrangement. I was wrong and have been wrong since 1995. I was in denial. It is a simple explanation for our estrangement. At some time prior to 1995 she stopped loving me. I know that I am the same person that I have always been. Something changed and it wasn't me. I can't imagine that she never loved me but I suppose that it's possible. I don't know.
Trying to have a relationship with an unloving uncaring abusive relative is an exercise in self abuse.
If you have ever had an argument with a Prince or Princess, then you know that special rules of conduct apply that do not apply when you are having discussions with other adults in your life. I use the spelling "Prince(ss)" to cover both genders, Your Prince(ss)'s expectations of you may have confused you. If you fail to obey their Rules, then the Prince(ss) gets to scream, "OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!" If cutting off your head is not an option, then they just stop talking to you.
Here are the Rules as demonstrated to me by my very own Princess. Your Prince(ss)'s Rules may vary in some of the details but will have certain similarities.
For the sake of accuracy, please be aware that my Princess never used the term "pond scum" in reference to me to my knowledge although she has used other words of a contemptuous and scornful nature. I use the words "pond scum" to cover a range of other terms that have roughly the same level of contempt and scorn in their meaning.
THE FIFTEEN PRINCE(SS) AND THE PEA RULES OF CONDUCT
RULE #1: If you bring up events that occurred years ago to illustrate a point during an argument, you are pond scum for having the temerity to bring up old history. If the Prince(ss) brings up events that occurred years ago to illustrate a point, it is justified. Your behavior not justified. The Prince(ss)'s behavior is. It's just the way it is.
RULE #2: If you respond to the Prince(ss)'s interpretation of an event that occurred years ago with facts that can lead to a different interpretation by a reasonable person, you are pond scum and the Prince(ss) can ignore those inconvenient facts.
RULE #3: If you state that a Prince(ss)'s statement is untrue and provide evidence to back up your statement, then that is the same as calling the Prince(ss) a liar and as all Prince(ss)es know, it is not possible for a Prince(ss) to be inaccurate as they are indeed Royalty and Royalty is PERFECT. Anyone who would state otherwise is offensive pond scum.
RULE #4: While you have never said or even thought that everything that the Prince(ss) wanted to do was stupid, the Prince(ss) can accuse you of thinking that everything that the Prince(ss) wanted to do was stupid. When you protest and say that you have always given support for what the Prince(ss) wanted to do, the Prince(ss) can say, "And you bring that up in every argument." The fact that you have said that only that one time and that the Prince(ss)'s reaction to your statement doesn't even make sense is irrelevant according to the Prince(ss)'s Rules. You are argumentative and unsupportive pond scum who has a heck of a nerve bringing up your past supportiveness.
RULE #5: The Prince(ss) gets to say that you are ignorant pond scum because you don't know them and the facts of their life better at this point in time even though you haven't been able to talk or spend time with them for many years because the Prince(ss) won't talk to you or spend time with you.
RULE #6: The Prince(ss)'s definition of stalking includes your viewing the Prince(ss)'s website on the internet. The Prince(ss)'s definition of stalking does not include the searching out by the Prince(ss) of your private posts in a members-only discussion board on the internet nor the Prince(ss)'s viewing of your website. Your viewing of their public website makes you stalking pond scum. Their searching out of your private posts is ... reasonable behavior?
RULE #7: Your private posts with which the Prince(ss) disagrees make you pond scum. Not only does the Prince(ss) disagree, the Prince(ss) may share selected posts with other people mentioned in the posts. Posts of a positive nature to anyone are not mentioned. You, of course, are not given an opportunity to discuss these posts with any of them. According to the Prince(ss)'s Rules of Conduct, this is fair.
RULE #8: If you express anger, hurt, dismay, disappointment, pain or any other feeling over your estrangement from the Prince(ss), then the Prince(ss) gets to use your expression of human emotion as a further springboard for attacking you and calling you names.
RULE #9: The Prince(ss) may describe your significant other (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend) to you as strange and weird. You must not respond in any way unless you agree with the Prince(ss). But if you request that the Prince(ss)'s significant other, who is the cook and prides themself on their cooking, might make meals in the future that were lower in saturated fat as you have been diagnosed with high cholesterol, then the Prince(ss) may charge you with insulting their significant other and accuse you of being ungrateful and insulting pond scum. Please read the first two sentences in this paragraph again.
RULE #10: Discussing anything with the Prince(ss) is forbidden. That means that only the Prince(ss)'s interpretation of all events counts. There is no other view or viewpoint or memory or possible interpretation. Anyone who disputes this is pond scum and eligible to join the list of those the Prince(ss) doesn't talk to.
RULE #11: The Prince(ss) gets to call you unloving and uninterested in spending time with the Prince(ss) while also stating that he or she doesn't love you, doesn't like you, doesn't care about you, doesn't want to spend time with you, and hasn't wanted to spend time with you for many years. According to the Rules, you must not become aware of or point out the contradictions in any of the Prince(ss)'s statements.
RULE #12: In an argument, the Prince(ss) gets to say, "I never want to talk to you again," and to call you a horrid person, worthless, unworthy of energy, time and attention regardless of the many years of time, energy, attention, love, and enjoyment that you have put into a relationship with the Prince(ss) or your expressed desire to have a relationship. If you expected a reciprocal relationship with the Prince(ss) where there is some effort on both sides to spend time with each other and to remember each other on holidays and other special days, then you are called demanding, mercenary, and unreasonable. As far as the Prince(ss) is concerned, you are now as important as pond scum.
RULE #13: The fact that you have tried to have a relationship with the Prince(ss) and that you have expressed pain at your failure is evidence of something negative according to the Prince(ss) who shows evidence of experiencing pleasure at knowing about your pain. In fact the Prince(ss) calls you crazy pond scum.
RULE #14: When you suggest that a visit to a therapist's office by the both of you might be helpful to figure out where their anger is coming from, then the Prince(ss) becomes insulted by the idea that you have implied that there is something wrong with them. The Prince(ss) tells you to see a therapist by yourself because you are crazy pond scum.
RULE #15: The Prince(ss)s opinion of mental health professionals is that they generally are pond scum and to be avoided unless desperate. The Prince(ss) considers themself to be a diagnostician capable of diagnosing their own mental health issues as well as those of everyone they know and people they don't know and have never met. They are not limited in their diagnostic powers by never having met most of the people whom they diagnose or by a lack of understanding of mental health issues in general. Their scorn for anyone other than themselves who has had a mental health issue is of Royal dimensions.
Thursday, November 24, is Thanksgiving. I will give thanks.