May 26, 2006: Estrangement in the News

"The Art of Grieving", a Workshop, Sept. 9, 2006

Change in approach to writing posts

If you've been following this blog for a while, you've noticed that since February I have changed the way that I've been posting. I am not writing posts that are as personal as I posted previously.

I can't be specific about why I changed the way that I write posts. I will say that I did arrive at some conclusions, gave them some thought, and decided to hold back on writing as much of what I think and feel as I had in the past. For a while anyway. Because of information that I learned, I made a conclusion. Because of that conclusion I decided that writing so openly would not be productive.

I have stopped visiting my own site statistics counter. You may visit it but I won't. Before I stopped visiting, I knew that my daughter visits it regularly. She stated that she visits it so that I will feel as bothered by her visits as she had felt bothered by my visiting her website. Prior to her stating her reason for the visits, I hadn't felt "bothered". I had felt sadness and grief but not "bother". After she stated her reason, I did feel "bothered" because of her motivation for the visits.

It does bother me that Robin does things to try to bother me or anyone. From this and other things she has done in the last eight months, I have learned that she enjoys bothering and hurting me. Just knowing that she would do things and enjoy doing them to try to hurt me or anyone upsets me. I have a different viewpoint on her than I had years ago. Enjoying hurting others is what sadism is about.

She is not the only person I have known well at one time who visits my blog. I learned that her father has become a regular visitor too. This seems bizarre that two people who won't speak to me or even to each other visit to see what I have to say ... or to try to bother me. I don't know what he hopes to learn by coming here. He knows that I will speak with him. These visits to my blog seem so very odd. Or does he come here just for information as others do? Does he think that I have something worthwhile to offer which he is interested in reading but not to the point of speaking with me?

I have learned too that his attitude towards me is much the same as it was over 20 years ago ... that in his eyes I am the one to blame for our conflicts during the marriage and our relationship failing. In my opinion it takes two people to have a relationship or an argument, not one. When most relationships fail, both people generally have a share of the responsibility. We never were well suited to each other. Why he has to continue to point a finger at me I don't know. Perhaps it is just too uncomfortable to shoulder his share. I refuse to take his share. I refuse to point a finger. I continue to be willing to be on speaking terms as I always was.

I don't have hard feelings towards him. I have some fond memories of him, his family, and our marriage even if we weren't well suited to each other. I think it would have been healthier for everyone to have been able to be on good terms. 

Well, this is as personal as I am going to get for some time.

All of this has been weighing heavy on my mind and heart lately. Even though I have been so busy with the other things in life I need to do. I need something to do that is relaxing this weekend. The selection at the movies is dismal. Perhaps I will get out there and do some gardening. The sun has just come out!

Wishing everyone a pleasant weekend,


Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

The comments to this entry are closed.