Mother's Day - Thoughts & Feelings
May 12, 2006
I feel like the thousand pound gorilla is in the room. The gorilla called "Mother's Day"!
Twelve years ago my thoughts on Mother's Day were along the lines of not wanting to make the day be all about me or to make Robin or anyone feel obligated to make the day a big one or make Robin or anyone feel guilt or anything negative about that day. Prior to her father and I separating in 1984 Mother's Day was usually about my MIL who expected to be taken out to dinner. No one questioned that. It was just done. I would buy my mother a present and make time to see her or at least call.
From 1984 to 1994, Mother's Day assumed less importance for me. It dwindled down to me sending my mother a present and calling and Robin maybe doing the same. As the day became less important in terms of my being obligated to be at a dinner, I enjoyed that freedom but annoyingly to myself by 1995 I became concerned about whether Robin acknowledged me or not. Annoyingly because I didn't want to think of myself as demanding or guilt inducing or, worst of all, a NAG!
I can hardly remember now what it was that Robin would do to recognize me on the day. I can remember that it began to bother me. But it wasn't just that day, I was bothered by her lack of participation in our relationship. The distance between us had been increasing gradually. Then in 1995 when I asked that she remember my birthday, she failed to understand why I was even concerned about being remembered and took it to mean that I was greedy and mercenary. Which is ludicrous considering that I had never been remotely greedy or mercenary and had gone out of my way for years to be generous to both her and her husband. We ended up estranged. She estranged herself which seemed to me to be a fit of rage which I never understood.
In the past I've sometimes had a hard time around this time but the worst is her birthday, not Mother's Day. This year I am not yet bothered about Mother's Day. I don't know if this is normal or abnormal, good or bad. It isn't bothering me. I haven't been thinking about it much. I've never really liked this holiday because of all the guilt feelings that it seems to induce in so many. I've never liked having guilt feelings associated with myself. I've sometimes wished that this holiday would be abolished and that we could just acknowledge those relatives we cherish in our own way. But abolishing this holiday will never happen.
I never enjoyed this holiday when it was about my ex's mother and my mother. It never did seem to have anything to do with me. I plan to enjoy the day for whatever it is that I decide to do on Sunday and I feel a kind of freedom in not having to do what so many others feel obligated to do. So for me having some freedom to spend the day without doing anything that I feel obligated to do is my own Mother's Day. Perhaps if my whole history had been different, I'd feel very different about this day. I recognize that you all may have very different feelings and thoughts about the day.
Wishing you all as Happy a Mother"s Day as possible under the circumstances ... and that it doesn't bring too much pain. I think that the opportunity for becoming a mom is a good thing to celebrate on Mother's Day!
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