Altruism as an antidote to what ails us: Cami Walker's solution
NY Times article, May 3, 2010: When the Ties that Bind Unravel

Why don’t I write regularly here any more?

You might wonder why, if I went to the trouble of setting up a website and a blog, I haven’t been writing about estrangement for a long time now. I’ve been thinking of how to explain that. I have been asked that question by a few visitors and I have responded to them. If you are among those who visit and wonder about the lack of fresh new posts, this post is my answer to that question.

It’s been a long time that I’ve been estranged. Estrangement is a loss. I’m not telling you anything that you don’t know. It is a death. Death of a relationship. Some relationships revive. Others don’t. It’s hard to know when or if a reconciliation will occur. Life goes on regardless until life doesn’t. Do you live life in the present or do you put off living your life under the assumption that if you think and feel about something intensely enough that some day you will be rewarded? Grief is a heavy weight to bear for the rest of your life.

For me life has gone on. There is so much that requires my attention. I work to make a living. The recession affects me and my husband as much as it affects so many people. There are people who rely on me to get things done. There are movies to see, places to visit, people to spend time with, food to eat, jokes to laugh at, books to read. Lots of things to do in living a life. One can dwell on what one doesn’t have for a space of time. I’ve given my losses the time and respect that they deserve. Time marches on.

I am sure you’ve known plenty of people who have suffered losses of loved ones through death or divorce. Perhaps you have suffered these losses yourself. If you have walked in those shoes or know friends who have, you know that the initial pain can be acute. It is healthy to talk about our pain when we’ve suffered losses. The more painful the loss, the longer we might need to talk. For some of us, it can take years to get to the point where we don’t need to talk any more or as much as we did when the loss first happened. But eventually most people get to a point where they talk about it very little, if at all.

Speaking for myself, I arrived at that point some time ago when I realized that talking about being estranged regularly was not good for me. That dwelling on the subject made me feel depressed when nothing else in my life was depressing. It was sucking the sunshine out of the day. Reading and writing about estrangement regularly was damaging to me. So I stopped. I keep the website and the blog online. I may occasionally add some interesting piece of information but I can’t, out of respect for my own mental health, write as much as I used to write. It isn’t good for me.

I imagine that a lot of you come here to read because the pain of loss is fresh and you are looking for answers. Even though I haven’t been updating the blog, there remains quite a bit of writing here and on the Estrangements website that I’ve done over almost ten years so there still are things to read. There just won’t be many new things to read.

I promise you that I don’t have anything new to say other than that over time, for me anyway, I have come to accept that loss. Life does truly go on if you let it. Although it may take some time, more for some of us than others, to get to the point of acceptance, letting go, and moving on. The answers, if there are any, often lie in someone other than you. There usually is very little that you can do to get someone to be a different way than how they are. Sometimes you just have to go on and do your own thing and let life go on and sort itself out.

I wish you all strength in your journey. Life does throw us some curves. There are few, if any, who are exempt from that. Just keep on moving forward, one foot in front of the other, no matter what! Remember to appreciate the people in your life who do love you and are there for you through the hard times. They deserve your appreciation and love.

Take good care of yourself!


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